Friendship Insecurities

September 22, 2015

 First of all, the main reason I'm even posting this is because I feel like it might help get these feelings out of my head or at least let me be able to think about something else.. I hope this doesn't seem like I want to be pitied, because that isn't it at all. I'm really bad at posting things like this but this is one thing that I just needed to get out. 

When I was in school, I had a decent amount of friends but only a couple who I felt were really good friends. With the others, I always felt as though I didn't belong and that they would rather be with their other friends instead of me. When I left school due to my illness, I lost all of my friends except one and it honestly wasn't much of a surprise and didn't really bother me. For a while, I only had two close friends and I was okay with that. 

Recently, I've been making more friends and the feelings I had in high school are returning but sadly, I know that the feelings aren't irrational. I feel as though they would all rather hang out with other friends instead of me..and I know the reasons and they all make sense but it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm at least 3 years younger than all of my new friends, I'm the only one not in a relationship, and I am chronically ill. It makes sense to want to hang out with people your own age more than someone who is younger, especially when you are both in serious relationships. Plus, being friends with a chronically ill person is just harder in general. I just wish that knowing these things made it easier to deal with. 

With a certain group of friends, I see them hanging out together and it's hard, I'm not going to lie. I feel like when I am invited, it's because they feel as though they have to. I mean, we have a great time together but I still feel like the odd one out and it's when we aren't all together that I feel...unwanted, I guess. Of course it is no ones fault and I know if they knew how it made me feel, they would feel bad but I can't help it.
Even when I was in elementary school, I was insecure about my friendships and I guess it has never gone away. I never thought that having less friends would actually be easier for me. 

I think putting these feelings into words has helped a bitand I hope that these feelings will pass or at least get better with time. 

1 comment:

  1. Alex, I'm sorry it's been hard, but I think I know how you feel. Relationships are very hard for me and for the longest time I felt like I didn't have any friends. And I understand feeling like an outsider. It's only been in the last couple of years that I have begun to develop a couple of close friendships. I hope that happens for you too. I'm sure you are a wonderful, fun and interesting person. Hugs!